The Importance Of Being Cory

The level of the chemical imbalance in my system and the acid I produce coming out of my ears in the form of steam every time I hear about another talented, pretty, young thing exiting the hotel room or any other form of hut in a black body bag; it’s indescribable. Gruesome. I’m not still in my 14 year old state of mind whereas someone’s death reminds me of my own mortality and I realize I will too go one day, like everyone else – the thought that used to make me physically sick; I’m passed that. I accept it. It’s THIS kind of death. It’s this kind of death that makes me livid.I really don’t know what to say about Cory. There’s nothing new to say on this subject where there are tons of people struggling to make ends meet, the people who get slapped in the face daily by harshness of life and somehow manage to not use crutches in the form of alcohol or drugs to get through the day, or they do, but manage to stay alive. Can you stay the fuck alive? Thank you.If I seem to harsh about this subject, I do apologize. I adored Cory Monteith and his story always appealed to me; a boy who could not sing or dance but loved music, who fixed roofs for a living goes on to get a role in one of the biggest shows in the world where he has to – sing and dance. It was such a beautiful merge of doing what you can’t, but can’t doing it so beautifully, I’m convinced that little off-fact made the show! The abnormal talent of Lea Michele and the realness of Cory that merged so well and produced so much heart. It’s all about beating the odds in life. And he beat the odds so grandiosely, how can that not be enough for him?We don’t know what someone goes through life unless we walk in their shoes, I agree. But we also have responsibility in the times we live in! Every time has it’s own thematic, struggles, obstacles, and we are not alone. Nor we can consider ourselves apart from everything, we are part of the world, society, we have a correlation to all of that, we don’t just belong to ourselves! This is not 80’s or 90’s and the times of River Phoenix and Cory Haim’s of the world, they belonged to another times. Settled times. We live in the times where people can not make a living, times where people lose jobs, houses, minds and lives because they can not pay for the doctors, we struggle with the basics of the basics – our sole fucking existence, and our dignity is challenged every friggin’ day! To be able to do what you love, make millions, have the opportunity to help those around you that you love – in these times – well that’s like winning 16 godamn jackpots. How can THAT not be enough?The whole planet wants your reality, BUT YOU want to escape it? You managed to find SOMETHING unbearable about your reality?Please don’t tell me how addiction is a sickness and how it’s like cancer and shit – that makes me super mad. It’s a fucking blasphemy comparing people who WANT TO LIVE so badly but they are forced to be aware of every last breath they take – to people who so carelessly take their healthy lives, transform it to shit and throw it down the drains.The words can not begin to describe how bad I feel about this boy. And particularly about him. The un-expectedness of it. I mean we all read about his rehabs and all, but to the end I thought someone was punking me about his alcohol and heroin issues. He just didn’t look it. I mean, Heath looked it. You could see it on him, all the issues, the genius, the troubled-ness. But Cory? With his nerdy – I can not get laid to save my life – gait and face expression he kept even after achieving such fame he never really cared to much about? Such a shame. But the story about addicts is never a story about them. It’s about people around them. Addicts do what they do with a complete disregard what their actions will do to the people that love them. They just care about getting themselves to that place, to that high, to that numbness “just this last time”. Until it’s literally THE LAST TIME.Poor them, right? And the outpour of grief that follows? For them? They are dead, they do not feel any pain. They achieved the ultimate high. They checked out.Again, sorry if I’m harsh. I adored the boy. But he chose this. He chose to fuck around. Who did not chose this? Lea Michele, his girlfriend, and I pity her. More than I pity him. Because there isn’t a worse destiny you can imagine than being related to or loving an addict. This girl will never ever ever be the same nor she will ever have a normal life again. The loss, the guilt of thinking was there something she could have done, she is altered for godamn life!I never dealt with people close to me who did something so grandiosely retarded like heroin, but my life is/was altered with addiction from people around me. Family and relationships. Those in question will always offer the same ol’ debate how it’s nothing and they just have a few drinks here and there and do some light shit or not that much of medium/light shit or whatever the shithead explanation they convince themselves and what the fuck is wrong with me! See that’s just it, people who are lightly, or heavily addicted to shit will always play down of what it does to people around them, and they will debate about the amounts even though its professionally defined – addiction is when you can’t say no and when it alters your behavior and state of mind; not the number of glasses or ounces.It’s not about the number of glasses or anything. It’s the fact you’re doing something that’s altering the lives of those around you. It’s a godamn torture! And for those who are lucky enough to not ever dealt with this shit in their lives; you can not imagine how it is to have all the issues and obstacles and regular heaviness the life bestows upon all of us, BUT to HAVE TO deal with all the annoying, crapy and most of all sometimes SCARY behavior people in question put you through! People with addictions; they do not get how hard it is to keep their secrets from outside world, pretend it’s nothing or something else, often yourself being considered a controlling & demanding bitch whereas you have to control them because they can not control themselves and you have to control your life they’re spinning out of control by controlling them! People have no fucking clue how hard it is, when you have to be a parent to those who should take care of YOU!I read about Lea Michele now in some papers and there’s a quote – “people close to them say how she was controlling while Cory was alive and also very controlling now in his death, planning the funeral and everything herself….” and I cringe how judgmental the undertone of that quote is!I had dinner the other night with one of my good friends that knew Cory well, actually they starred together in couple of films/projects, and we were also joined with another one of both of mutual friends. We didn’t see each other for a while, but we spent all dinner talking about him, how the hell happened what happened, we discussed what he did those last days, who was he with, we tried to trace down the people he hang out before he died, my friend relentlessly looked at Cory’s last pics with some people from TMZ and busted his head trying to see if he can recognize someone, trying to make sense of it all. We all tried to make sense of it all.But that’s just it. Where’s the sense in all of it? Other then altering the lives of those that knew you to the rest of their fucking existence.As for Glee? What’s Glee’s future? 500 people that work on the show and depend on that show, 500 people that have families and mortgages to pay for, 500 people that are about to get screwed because it’s star decided to shoot up that night and escape his gruesome life. Ryan Murphy, the creator of the show decided to let Lea Michele decide about the future of the show. “The controlling girlfriend” steps us one more time and decides the show will go on, they will continue to tape, she feels bad for all the people involved, she will go to work everyday where everything and everyone reminds her of him and what she could have done, and try not to rip her heart out.Can you even IMAGINE what this 20-something year old girl has to endure? She will have to play the part of a girl that lost her boyfriend on the show, she will have to read the lines and play the sorrow of a girl who’s boyfriend died, for all of us to see, because “the show must go on”, she will play this heart wrenching sorrow that will actually be what she really experienced and felt and will feel forever. In couple of weeks she will be forced to show everyone that face of monumental grief and there’s nothing she can do about it. And that’s the choreography of life around addiction of any level; small, medium or gravely; it swallows you, it pulverizes you and it spits you out, you have absolutely no control; over them or the influence it does on your life!You do not live your life.You live theirs.And everyone loses.

RIP Cory Monteith. Truly.