How Much For A Dream
Agh, my cool people! Life is a roller-coaster. Deep, ha? I’m having the biggest pounding headache ever, and I’m way too messed up to go buy some medicine, so I will headache write this shit! Why not? Obstacles are good. We need obstacles. Overcoming shit is the only way we actually know we’re alive. We overcame. We did. And boy does it feel great when we suffer, but pull through. Well, I do. I believe everything great comes with the side of obstacle.As you can probably tell from my musings, I’ve been huge on life and its ways, recently. How things happen, why things happen? Do they just happen or we make it happen? I used to think life gives you these paths, directions you should follow, pretty clear and obvious ones. Easy. Easy things that come your way, that’s what you should do. That guy that’s around, you should probably do that, cuz why would universe put him close to you, that’s what you should do, right? It’s leading to it right? Well, I think = wrong. I absolutely figured out universe, or life as you’d like - is royally fucking with us.We are the ones who feel what we should do and where we have to be, it’s not the universe or life that’s leading us. Au contraire. I figured out it’s doing just the opposite; messing with us, challenging us, making what we have to do the hardest and most impossible. It’s our gut that needs to be followed, not what seems easy and right there. And right before you have to decide something of utter importance for your life, and you struggle for answers or confirmations backing up what you feel you should do, it’s when it’s most confusing! At that exact moment, life does not lead you where you should go, no, at that moment life gives you the biggest challenge; if you need to go it’s making you stay, if you need to stay it’s giving you the finger, and the point is to fucking resist and know in your gut, heart and soul where you need to be. Resist. Fight.I’m going to go on a limb here and risk infuriating people, but you know those folk who are in love with life and constantly writing those annoying platitudes for their bio’s on social networks - “In love with life” and such shit. Hey, I’m not going to go that far and quote the EPIC happy people speech coming from Scandal's Cyrus Beene -
Lately, you’ve been happy. You’re happy, but we both know that happy people are rarely actually happy, unless they’re morons. You are a brilliant man, a Rhodes scholar, and a PhD, which means you’re acting happy!
....but I will say, life, it’s a brutal motherfucker. To conquer life, it seems the only way of doing it is to figure out all the traps; or take the easier “in love with life” route, go with the flow, take what comes your way regardless of what you want, and convince yourself it’s exactly what you wanted.And believe me, which ever folder you belong to, I do not judge. Going for what you want, it comes with the price. Not going for what you want, it comes with the price. Living in the small safe place comes with a price. Living in huge city with lots of options comes with a price. Having a nice decent guy comes with a price. Having an exciting crazy dude comes with the price. In love with life? Seriously? In love? I’m lying. I do judge.Last couple of months, my life has been an opening credits of a True Blood episode. The way Mr. Universe (!!) was placing stuff in my life, it was almost comical. One, by the second one, by another one. Creating the most ridiculous scenarios after another, all traps, all heavy, all painful, all to suffer, to confuse. You know what you want, you have a gut, you feel it, but here is that beautiful life, complicating it to the core. What was I suppose to do? Go with the flow, stay and have a life where I liked the people in my life buy I didn’t like the life? I said to myself a thousand times, stop fighting, stop looking, stop searching, this is it, that’s life, you just drop it finally and live it. But I just couldn’t. I left everything and changed my life to the core, after almost a decade living a certain way; and it was THE hardest shit I ever had to decide.Was I right? Am I right? See, that’s the thing. I don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know if we’re right UNTIL we’re right. Life is not going to show you you’re right, it’s not going to lead you where you should be, YOU have to lead yourself where you want to be. Is it going to feel right while you’re deciding it? NO. That’s the whole point from the beginning of this blog, it’s why most people never follow through with what they want; they need confirmation. Life is not going to give you a feeling you’re right, life is not going to confirm you, life is going to give you the exact opposite feeling. It’s you who have to close your eyes and ears to all the signs on the road trying to fuck with you and stay on your gut. Keep an eyes on the prize, push for what you feel is right, go, so, suffer, and then one day - it will just make sense.Dreams, they always come with the price. I look at myself now, back in Los Angeles and I see all those people looking at my life from the outside that looks like a dream, and all of that, it comes with the price. Every drive down the road with the Ocean on one side and palm trees on the other, that all comes with the price. This town, it has to be the hardest place I ever lived at, nothing comes cheap, and believe me, this town comes with the highest price. Every beautiful thing that you experience has the hardest one waiting around the corner to pinch you.So when I see all those - “In love with life” - people being so simple and daft to think life is just Ocean and palms, and it’s that easy, when they don’t see how damn hard it is to have great things and that we’re not entitled to life we imagined; we have to actually WORK HARD for it, take risks, lose things and people along the way. I chose my battles. And I chose my dream. For every great thing I have in my life, I lost some thing. I messed people up. I payed for my dream.How much are you willing to pay for yours?