Appetite For Destruction

I’m in trouble. I know. I can stand here now and apologize for my lack of continuity in posting, explain how I’m so busy I sometimes forget to eat, how I always put way too much on my plate, I can tell you how every time someone asks me to participate in some project I never know how to say no, but I can also shut up and try to make it all up.

I’m sorry to all the people who click on this blog daily waiting for a new post, and to those who email me asking when the new one’s going to be up; instead of making a promise I will post more often, I’ll make a promise I will never post something just for optics.

I rather wait and give you something thought-provoking. Something that will make you think, reflect, and relate.

The last two months were mayhem. I experienced extreme highs and extreme lows. One second I felt like I wanted to bang my head against the wall, another like I could fly through thin air. As if I’m trying to shed some skin or something. As if I’m an animal. My actions and feelings, both. As if I’m a werewolf that’s all cool on the good days, but ripping its skin apart when it fazes out. As if I’m a vampire and all my senses are hyper-intense. You get the picture.

The funny part is — I felt alive like I haven't in a while. And I realized, I can’t, nor do I want to take shit anymore. From others, but also myself.

I grew up respecting differences in people because I was always so different than anyone I grew up with, even my own family. Recently, I came to the following conclusion: my extreme tolerance towards people only made them less tolerant toward me. People are assholes. The less I cared about people, the more respect they showed me. 

It feels great not giving a damn.

Remember that feeling alive thing I mentioned? Take my word for it, wake up if you’re sleeping; tell everyone what they need to hear. They can’t take the truth? Next! Be impatient. Don’t take crap. 

That guy that treats you like shit? No, don’t be nice to him so he doesn’t think you’re crazy, or intense, or whatever the hell he chooses to think. Don’t be subordinate. Who cares what he’ll think? Tell him to get lost.

Be neurotic if that’s how you feel! Why not? Everyone else in your life can be what they please to be, without any regard to anyone around them, but you need to be all calm and demure?

Scream at people that have done you wrong, if that’s how you feel. Just know who deserves it, and who doesn’t.

How did my two month mayhem finish, you wonder? It didn’t. I’m still in destruction mode. And it feels liberating. I do not have any patience and I can’t stand any noise. I‘m not there for people wasting my time, talking about things that don’t matter. I have no time for intoxication of others which always results in bothering other people with not having control over their bodies.

I can not stand snoring, loud eating, puffing, clicking, tapping, clicking, humming; just anything coming out of a thing called a person. Loud orgasm, that’s about the only noise I can stand, coming out of a person.

I can’t stand stupidity anymore. Recently, it became very loud, and way too common. I feel like incompetence was kinda quiet in people, before. Nowadays, people are racing to volunteer their incompetent opinion so loudly and proudly and they will ignore any attempt od explaining they just don’t know enough on a subject.

Especially if that subject is ME; you know that person I live with on a daily basis, and not you? Yeah, that one.

”That is NOT how you pronounce my kid’s name.” Keeps doing it. Can you call their name as I told you? Keeps doing it. 

Noise.

I need peace. 

Stillness. 

Not even moving at times. 

Simplicity. 

Eat, breathe, sleep. 

Meaningful conversations. 

Creating something. 

Making something.

Solitude.