The Kravis Effect

Given relationships are what I mostly wrote about for a decade now, I didn’t write one single article about it this year. Not for the lack of subjects or things to say; this year is nothing if not fruitful in matters of the heart. I felt a huge shift in how I perceived relationships around me, and those we read about, so I had to leave it, and let it simmer for a while.

Rules are changed in the (almost) post-pandemic world. Last year I analyzed men to quite a degree. Together, we discussed some of the weird little behaviors they were practicing in the big bad world of lockdowns. This year, it’s us, women that need a bit of scrutiny, I feel.

During my hiatus on the subject of dating/relationships/love, I constantly got bombarded with questions about it. Naturally, it’s everyone’s favorite, most haunting subject. “Miranda, will you write about this renewed relationship between Ben and Jennifer, after 17 years? “Will you write about an always interesting topic of whether true love ever ends?”. “Will you write about Sex /Life on Netflix?”.

And so on.

Thank you Travis Barker for coming through with a proposal, helping me structure the essence of 2021. Yes, essence. Of the whole year. Not just relationships. Why everyone’s responding to Kourtney and Travis so endearingly, even the people who usually don’t care for Kardashians - it’s because this union feels different. Real. You feel it, even if you can’t articulate it. The announcement of something greater.

It’s making us examine dating and relationship patterns we covertly accepted as the norm.

If you think I’ve gone completely insane with looking for inspiration in a Kardashian, hear me out. This article has been cooking for many months now and I’m very ambitious about changing your whole mindset.

First, let’s break down the patterns.

We finished the year 2020 with an interesting phenomenon; guys who rather text than meet you in person. You know them. They need verbal attention more than women do, but strangely avoid meeting in real life. They’d rather just text/DM than have a relationship, affair, or even just sex.

I solved this conundrum for you - men realize if you meet them in real life you’ll discover all their shortcomings, shortly, but if they keep texting you, DM-ing you, they get their attention quota for the day. Many of them are married, in a relationship, or have nothing to offer you, or can’t even fuck properly. Why let you discover that? When they can text for eternity and have the virtual hard-ons for longer.

Come 2021. Men got it together. Dealt with issues. I feel the pandemic was especially hard on them (fear of providing), and the usual — men dealing with any kind of pain and uncertainty much harder than women. Whereas, we come with pain built-in, already installed.

And women?

It’s the year 2021 and women still think they can strategize a relationship with a man that clearly shows signs of not wanting the same. Somehow, we still can not accept — men know really well what they want.

Men do not play hard to get.

Read that again.

Not sure if you ever heard of a 3 box theory. It goes like this - men meet women and know right away in which box they want her.

1. Relationship
2. Friendship
3. Sex

There’s nothing much you can do to skip from one box to another. You can be the best, most beautiful, and most interesting person on this planet, if he doesn’t want to date you, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to date you.

And if he wants to date you, you can sleep with all his friends, and be the worst human alive, there is nothing that can change his mind.

Just friends is a bit tricky, as I yet have to meet a guy who is a friend but would say no to sex, if put on the table.

Somehow we, women, can’t seem to evolve in this theory. Men are not confused. We can’t strategize them into things — men know perfectly well where they want to be, in regards to a woman. And this should not cause any kind of despair, it should actually do quite the opposite — it should make you relaxed.

You should never overanalyze your guts out with what you did wrong with this or that guy. You should never try to retrace your steps a million times to discover what incorrect move of yours ruined your chances. Nothing did. You haven’t done anything wrong, you are just in a box. And guess what — boxes are just a choice.

You too should have choices.

As a matter of fact, you can choose more than men can. In order to do that, you have to change your mindset from waiting to be picked, to picking what’s good for you.

This year rode me hard on this conviction. I spent most of my summer with my friends trying to bully me into dating a guy they all love. There was nothing impressive or even interesting about him except he looked good. I made the mistake of telling them that, more so to get them off my back. I also said no relationship, not interested — I could only sleep with him, I wouldn’t date him.

Their reaction was a harsh verification of how far we still have to go, as a society. This guy is exceptionally rich, and they all see him as a huge catch. Somehow they thought my rejection of their idea of him was - my game.

“If anyone can make him settle that’s you Miranda” — they quipped excitedly. Only, this was not my game. I wasn’t playing at anything. The guy was too basic, nothing excited me about this guy. It was just my choice.

We are literally living in a simulation where a decent-looking guy with a bit of cash should unquestionably be everyone’s relationship material.

Is that really all we ought to look for in a man? I refuse.

The whole summer I hear my girlfriends say — “I’m going on a date tonight, I hope he likes me”. I’m mind-blown at any woman stepping foot out of the doors hoping the guy she’s meeting likes her, and not thinking first — hey, I hope I WILL LIKE this guy I’m meeting tonight. I witnessed hordes of intelligent, pretty girls going out with these lame, no real qualities, not even good-looking men, “hoping he likes them”.

In the year 2021, I refuse to spend time with women who speed date 3–4 men a week, strategizing and scheming them into dating you, marrying you. All while being frustrated for not even enjoying sex, but withholding it — for him to think you are dateable. All while he cancels on you one night “to have dinner with his guy friends”, read —having dinner with someone he’s actually having sex with.

The sex.

In my opinion, women totally underestimate the power of great sex. Just sex. No dating. It can be both but doesn’t have to be. I think it’s better to have a safe person to have sex with, even though you are not dating, than going on 4 dates a week with strangers you have nothing in common with.

Why are you interviewing 4 times a week? Isn’t your job stressful enough?

Remember the 3 boxes theory? Just friends, just sex, or a relationship? You can also put men in those boxes, you can choose. You are allowed to just want to have sex with someone, just be friends with a guy, or have a type you would date.

Why are you happy with just anyone random that wants you?

How is this lost on us?

Sex is a huge part of this theory of mine. Sex is not a strategy. It’s been, throughout history, but since it’s not the 19th century anymore, can we evolve?

Having sex to get something or withhold sex to get something, it’s so tiring. You do realize sex is something to enjoy? You could totally just enjoy sex, for the sake of ENJOYMENT. You don’t agree? Is that why you lost it at Sex/Life on Netflix and sent me 10 messages a day if I saw it, do I like it and will I write about it? Is that why all of you were glued to your screens on episode 3 and rewatched it 17 times?

Going on pointless dates, not having sex to strategize the relationship out of some guy, but then coming home to replay scenes from Sex/Life?

How is this healthy?

Enter Ben & JLo.

“Great, amazing, true love never dies, he was always dying for her, she was always dying for him”, etc. I’ve got to disappoint you here. Not quite feeling this one. But it’s not important how I view their relationship, what’s important is this is another, very important lesson in choice. Their story is significant in changing the usual tired, boring narrative of a woman having less of a choice than a man. She is wronged, she breaks up with the guy, he moves on with a younger woman right away, she’s alone for a while, dates 2–3 much younger guys, it doesn’t work out, she stays alone, finds happiness with her kids, roll credits.

Jennifer is too legendary for that scenario, and I think Ben plays well into her narrative — not me, ARod, buddy. Instead, ARod was left fading into obscurity. I don’t wish heartbreak-related sorrow to anyone, but it’s important to change this chatter.

Women need to SEE different scenarios.

Ben is messy; alcohol, gambling, etc —and that’s really not my jam. They both look a bit performative for my taste, everything looks too produced, too much, too done but with all this pretense of lightness. Flowy dresses, boats, Italy, and fresh air; after all, that’s her signature hustle — working hard as fuck for things, then making them look effortless.

As I said, I think it’s very important for women to see a different scenario, a woman in her 50s leaving a cheating guy, and finding (or re-discovering) someone better for her. Ben going from a much younger girlfriend back to her. The message is important—age doesn’t have to limit you. You always have a choice.

Age goes for both here.

The common mistake society often makes is this tired notion guys find younger women after the breakup because they want someone younger, therefore prettier. Mostly, it doesn’t have anything to do with youth or looks, but finding someone not yet experienced to see through their bullshit; the woman they left or left them—saw through it all and she’s no longer impressed. A man needs someone to be impressed by him. A younger woman will likely find excuses for his shortcomings, and think they actually make him interesting.

Ben could have done that. Instead, he chose to be challenged. With someone on his level. And that’s an important narrative. And tells good things about him. That’s why he went from washed up to hot again, in a day. Having the balls to take on Jennifer again, the woman with so much influence and experience, to be challenged daily—it’s sexy.

And finally, Kravis.

There’s significance in Travis and Kourtney. Somehow, they announced a much-needed shift. You can sense these two are different. None of this saga of waiting to be picked, strategizing, scheming, hoping for dudes to like you, dealing with man-children, and finding excuses for their boy-on-a-school trip behaviors.

Kravis descended from the skies, out of nowhere, at a time when people are mere products of what they want you to see online. Content, clout, likes, relevance. There are no real connections anywhere, just a two-week excitement over something or someone that vanishes faster than a slice of pizza at 4 am.

People are so fucked up with themselves, how can they be anything to you? Add a sprinkle of a pandemic on top; we thought it would bring us awakening, but mostly, it brought the gutter we have to wade through. Seething hopelessness took on; people on edge, aggression, rudeness — unbearable to the point of wanting to teleport to some other times.

Smack in the middle of it, Kravis.

Just know Kim Kardashian is somewhere, plucking her hair at the captivating attention this is getting, pretending to be light and unbothered. Sharon fucking Stone posted about it. This is how far Kravis optics are reaching.

Out of the left field, casually having burgers one day, looking simple, unfazed. Real. Looking at them, I felt the simplicity and the unbotheredness of the ’90s. After all, there were authentically this - then, just separately. In the current times of living your life for the overproduced Instagram content, same faces, same bodies; they look unperfect - so consumed with each other, indifferent to who sees them. She frolics with him, her body flabby at times or in some positions or angles, and it’s beautiful to see.

Teleports you to a time, probably in our teenage years, when we were so consumed with love, we couldn’t see past it, or notice anything around us. Love handles, tummy falling out of our pants, what?

What are pants?

What are clothes?

You know how everyone tells you you don’t need a man to be complete? You don’t. You won’t even spark his interest if you aren’t complete on your own. But also, this shows how high the right kind of man can elevate you.

The lesson.

Look what happens when you finally have real, authentic support. But her family supports her, you say? On the surface. Not saying they didn’t feed her when she was a child, but we’re all grown enough now to know real support is allowing a person to be exactly what they are. Without expecting they should behave like the rest.

We all had a hard year and a half; you probably had your own woes with your parents or siblings where they aren’t necessarily malicious towards you, but they don’t really welcome you being different. They want you to be like them, be normal, act like others, and don’t hesitate to badger you every chance they get.

Constant criticism piles up.

I didn’t really watch Kardashians, but I’ve seen enough; this family passively bullied her for decades —“it’s for the ratings”.

For not wanting to be on a show. For not wanting to participate as much as them. For not wanting to be a product as much as them. For not wanting to open a side business. For being lazy. For being late.

Did you know that chronic lateness has to do with some disorders and often has nothing to do with not respecting other people’s time? All I heard was people being nasty to her for being “uninterested”. This or that. Her whole storyline in that show was being not quite “good enough”, as the rest of them (or so they think) are.

Despite being constantly mocked but in a fun-loving family way for ratings, she stayed true to herself. Endured all the jabs. Didn’t steer off her course. Kourtney is the only person in that family that is entirely authentic. Herself. Everyone else is a product of what society needs at this moment. Each and every single one of them has a role to play.

You know those moments, and we all felt it—when just nothing works? You try to be true to yourself but things are constantly off. You can’t get on the same page with anyone around you, no one gets you, and you feel like you don’t belong anywhere, nothing fits.

Many people steer off course in those moments and lose themselves. They listen to others, try things that don’t suit them, and minds get hindered.

There’s a saying I always liked:

“If you stay somewhere long enough or if you stay true to yourself long enough — luck will find you”.

The perfect job will find you. The guy you want will find you. Just stay there. Stay yourself.

I’m in awe of Kourtney, and how on course she stayed. How authentic and fully herself she remained. Insisted on her lifestyle, insisted on what SHE wanted in a partner, and stayed the course. And the one thing that stayed with me the most from what I’ve seen around their show/interviews — is how adamant she was with what she wants in a guy.

How do you move on from a failed relationship when your family constantly has your ex around? How unkind of your family to keep your ex around for ratings when you clearly need to separate yourself from him?

Co-parenting is essential. But your family getting along with your ex better than they get along with you, treating him like a buddy, a bestie, having him at every event, gathering, hangout — it must be the 9th loop of Hell.

While trying to leave a guy and form some sort of boundary, yes, what you want at that moment is hearing how funny he is, or you want to run into him in your sister’s bed chilling, gossiping.

No wonder she spent years trying to date one wrong guy after another, just to escape that unhealthy fuckery.

The significance of her in this is too grand. I can’t repeat it enough. You can have an unsupportive family, you can waste a decade of your life on a man child that makes you miserable, and the usual epilogue of that scenario is — you stay with the man-child who sucks the life out of you, he’s funny sometimes and fluffy, your fam loves him, it’s ok! ENDURE.

Or you can leave him; he will find a younger girlfriend within 2 weeks, while you’ll struggle with the wrong guys, much younger guys, being mentally split between being alone and dealing with a mess of a man.

You tried everything. You still can not get out of the situation as a winner; a society is simply designed that way for women.

Except, she DID.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Scott. Scott is funny. Scott is messy and funny and guys like Scott mostly get away with everything in life because they are funny sometimes. I lived with A SCOTT. They are always fine; either they leach on someone good for them who can not seem to shake them or they find someone young that will need a decade or two to figure out their level of mess. Men like Scott rarely feel the repercussions of their behavior. That’s exactly why there are so many Scotts around the world.

Except, this one DID.

Scott actually got punished for his behavior by losing her. While also losing the teenage girlfriends he keeps distracting himself with. The only way the world is going to get more Travises and fewer Scotts is by men not being tolerated for shit behaviors by women who fear being alone.

It’s important for women to see this narrative, for a significant shift to take place. You stay yourself, no matter what. Don’t get bullied by others making rules about how each individual needs to be. I’ve experienced it all summer. People getting nasty towards me because they somehow imagined their behavior is a guideline of how I should be.

It’s important for women to see there is ALWAYS someone you can meet if you don’t settle for temporary pleasure or the illusion of security.

You think there are no men because you convinced yourself there isn’t. A man can be a new one you meet or someone you already knew but the moment wasn’t right then, it can be someone that took wrong turns while you took your wrong turns and you got out of it at the same time.

You have no idea what the world has in store for you if you just keep going, without the fear of ending up alone.

Fear of ending up alone single-handedly prevented so many possible great relationships from happening. I know it’s a risk. Meeting someone is, after all — circumstantial. Your wishing for someone can not create a man in front of you. But isn’t the possibility of that happening — worth all the risk?

And just like that, in a blink of an eye, Kourtney went from “the least interesting to look at” (absolute lies), to pretty much a fucking icon. Her authentic self, what didn’t work for the show, or what her family represents; all of a sudden were the exact things people found so inspiring.

Always a bit edgier than the rest of her Herve Leger-wearing tribe, before Kanye taught them style; here comes Travis, with a backpack full of the same vibes, the same lifestyle, but also stability and acceptance.

They look like teenagers in love, except, they are not teenagers. They are full-grown adults feeling this. The stability you see on Travis’ face, the type of man he is, and the way he makes her feel—it’s so important to see today, in this over-produced society.

Unkindness, fakeness, superficiality; you felt it too, all summer long.

To witness what healthy love looks like and how strong a bond it can create, it’s a priceless present to receive this year. The type of bond that makes you ready to deal with your traumas. He sat on a plane for her.

A godamn plane.

The optics of Travis is also important here. Take notice. Think about the guys you like. How they are. Messy. Needy. Problematic. Not communicating properly. Issues. No stability. Compare it.

Sometimes we need to see something, to realize what we deserve.

The year is 2021.

We’ve been through hell & back. We were cruelly reminded of our own mortality. Isn’t it time we update our boxes? And truly see we aren’t unlucky in love — we are just wasting time with guys we know in our guts are not for us.

Choices are not the only lesson I drew from this, and the whole year in general. It’s a craving for realness. Kravis hits that note too. As I said, we thought the pandemic would make us see what’s important. So far I see the total opposite.

We need to subtract.

We need to subtract people, situations, and behaviors.

The world is fuller of smoke and mirrors than ever before. Performance tactics all around us. Why do we look at Travis and Kourtney endearingly but are annoyed with Megan Fox and Machine Guy Kelly? Because one feels real, and the other feels like a performance for the masses.

Do we still want to be served a product? Aren’t we tired?

It’s safe to say, our collective obsession over optics of the ’90s through clothes, make-up, style, vibe, filters, and editing pictures to look like the pics from that time — means we’re all subconsciously yearning for those times.

Simpler.

Unbothered.

Unperfect.

We want a change.

Why is Kim frantically posting the pics from the ’90s in her garage? She can strategize to marry Kanye after never being romantically interested in him; she was smart enough to understand he can give her the legitimacy she didn’t have before him. To go from designers refusing to dress her and put her on covers, to the product she is today — it’s impressive product placement. But it’s a product. There is nothing authentic or real about her.

Travis’ striped navy t-shirt at the beach a week ago, while he proposed to Kourtney got more feels over the world than all the business plans that came out of that family’s production office.

And if that’s where we’re headed, sign me up, book me a ticket!

Take all my money.